Do You Dislike How Competitive You Get?

Here's why it happens, and how to manage it.

Yesterday my daughter came home from school with a test result to share. It was a good result: 61 out of 70, but she was quiet and I knew something was up.

I assumed she thought she’d not done well so started to reassure her.

But that wasn’t quite it.

She explained that this was the third result in a few weeks where her best friend had got a few marks higher than her. She didn’t think that she was doing badly per se but couldn’t help comparing herself to her friend which made her think she was getting worse and ultimately being left behind.

We Compare Ourselves to Others Like This All The Time…

This is due to the natural competitive motivations within us; there to help us reach goals essential for surviving and thriving - such as a secure status in our social group, money, food, a home and a mate.

Healthy competitiveness can sharpen our skills, push us to try hard and drive us toward growth.

But sometimes competitiveness takes over in an unhealthy way, leaving you comparing yourself to everyone, obsessing about results and distancing yourself (or even hostile towards) friends and colleagues.

The story shared by the renowned shame-researcher Brené Brown about her weekly swim is excellent at conveying how instinctive this competitive urge is and how suddenly it can take over. In this story she describes the deeply primal reaction she gets when someone comes up alongside her in the swimming lane - how this intense urge to finish the length before them takes over (even though she’s not in a race with them!).

If you’ve noticed this occurring in yourself then know that it’s very normal. This was what had happened with my daughter with her results - causing her to focus outwardly on comparisons rather than her achievements.

As many people are setting personal goals or doing their quarterly planning at this time of year I felt this was a timely moment to explore why competition can feel so compelling and how tuning into another motivational-system can help you find balance and reduce insecure striving, which is exhausting and a road to burnout.

Understanding Our Two Systems

We have two primary motivation systems* that developed for our survival:

1. Our competitive system: as mentioned already, this is focused on status, achievement, outperforming others and protecting our place in the hierarchy. It’s activated particularly strongly when we feel threatened or when we perceive that resources, recognition, or opportunities are limited.

2. Our caring system: oriented toward connection, cooperation, and mutual support. This system is grounded in compassion—for others and for ourselves. When our caring system is active, we feel safe, valued, and less preoccupied with “proving” ourselves.

Both systems are essential. The challenge is that when we feel stressed, anxious, or threatened (whether by deadlines, performance reviews, or difficult feedback), our competitive system often takes over. This can lead to overwork, strained relationships, and… burnout.

The Impact of Overactive Competition at Work

What does overactive competition actually look like? Here are some fictitious people to demonstrate how competitiveness can show up at work or in friendships so you can recognise it in yourself more easily.

1. Sarah (the Perfectionist)
   Sarah prides herself on being diligent at work. But lately, she’s been feeling anxious, obsessing over tiny mistakes, and secretly comparing her work to her colleagues’. Instead of celebrating her colleagues’ successes, she worries that others are catching up to her.

   The problem: Sarah’s fear of falling behind has shifted her focus from collaboration to constant self-evaluation.

2. Mike (the Silent Resentful)
   Mike’s friend announced that he’d been assigned to lead an exciting new project, and he’s been feeling bitter ever since. In his own workplace Mike’s been working late to “prove himself,” but instead of feeling more accomplished, he’s becoming more irritable and withdrawn.

   The problem: Mike’s experience of work being unrewarding has been experienced as a threat which has triggered his competitiveness. This has shown up as resentment towards his friend, creating disconnection from potential support and a sense of isolation.

3. Priya (the Overcommitter)
   Priya agrees to every new task, even when her plate is already full. She wants to show she’s indispensable to the team (after all this was how she was praised when she was a kid)—but this has left her exhausted, overwhelmed, and increasingly frustrated.

   The problem: Priya’s drive to stay ahead is fuelled by insecurity, leaving her unable to prioritise her well-being.

Why We Become More Competitive When Threatened
Our competitive system is inked to our body’s threat-response system. When we feel vulnerable—whether because of external pressures like a tough work situation or internal doubts about our ability or worth—we often default to competing as a way to protect ourselves. It’s a form of fight (from the fight or flight reaction of the sympathetic nervous system).

Whilst this fight response might be instinctive, the truth is, in many modern day situations it’s counterproductive. Allowing overactive competition to rule your decisions can lead to

1. distancing from those who we perceive to be our competitors (for example my daughter my have been tempted to sit next to someone else who didn’t score so well to make herself feel better),

2. and a tendency to see rest as unacceptable (because it isn’t safe) (for example my daughter my have been tempted to revise excessively for the next test to aim for 100%).
   
   Additionally when our threat response is triggered in this way we tend to push support away and hold even neutral others at arms length. We feel shame and don’t want to let on what’s happening. This was the case for my daughter after school - I was a neutral ally (she wasn’t in competition with me for results) but still it took quite a bit of time of sitting and nursing a cup of tea together until she felt able to tell me what her concerns were.

   Social connection and a sense of belonging dampen down this threat response which can give us respite from this insecure striving part of ourselves. So even though it goes against what our body thinks it needs during a moment of overactive competitiveness this can be part of the solution.

Practical Steps For An Overzealous Competitive System

These should help you to shift gear when you notice your competitive urges taking over:

1. Pause and Notice Your Threat Response
   Ask yourself: What triggered my competitive feelings? Am I feeling insecure, overlooked, or underappreciated? Often, simply naming your emotions can help you gain clarity and create distance from them.

2. Reframe the Situation
   Instead of viewing colleagues and friends as rivals, ask: How can we support each other? Remind yourself that collaboration often leads to better outcomes—and a better social environment.

   Example: If Sarah (from earlier) focused on mentoring a junior team member instead of striving to be “perfect,” she might find greater satisfaction in her work and improve team morale.

3. Practice Self-Compassion
   When you’re hard on yourself, it’s easy to become hard on others, too. Try this exercise: Picture yourself as a friend who’s struggling. What would you say to support and encourage them? Now, turn those kind words toward yourself.

4. Focus on Contribution, Not Comparison
   Shift your attention from “What am I achieving compared to others?” to “How am I contributing to the team’s goals?” By celebrating your unique strengths, you can reconnect with a sense of purpose and belonging.

5. Engage in Acts of Care
   Small gestures—like checking in on a colleague or friend, offering help, or even expressing gratitude—can activate your caring system. This not only improves relationships but also boosts your own sense of well-being.

   Example: If Mike took time to genuinely congratulate his friend on their achievement, he might begin to see them as an ally rather than a competitor, reducing his resentment.

A Compassionate Mindset Is a Resilient Mindset
Balancing competition and care doesn’t mean you need to abandon your ambitions. You are at your best when you feel connected, supported, and valued. By learning to tune into your caring motivations, you can create a more sustainable, fulfilling work-life balance —and avoid the burnout that comes from living with constant striving.

Conclusion
The next time you notice your competitive side taking over (you get urges to compare or overwork to achieve the best results at the expense of your wellbeing), know that there is something you can do to dampen it down.

Reflect on how you can lean into connection instead. Focusing on collaboration and care, you can build a career and friendships that are successful, but also deeply satisfying.

You might feel reassured to know that practicing this won’t stop you from feeling competitive, it will just help you feel more in control of it - so you can choose to dial it down if it’s not serving you well.

What’s one small act of care you could practice this week? Let me know in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts!

👉Read next: Why Our Approach to New Year Resolutions Can Fall Short

*This is inspired by concepts from Compassion Focused Therapy. You can learn more about the two systems of motivation in Compassion Focused Therapy Edited by Paul Gilbert & Gregoris Simos